I don't understand the way I feel right now. We talked last night & decided that we should just be friends ... so what does that mean? I feel like I'm losing a part of myself - I feel wrong ... yet things really aren't that different then they have been for the past few months... we just don't have that label anymore ... and I keep figuring I should move out of the bedroom...

I haven't told anyone yet - I want to tell my mom but I know she will be upset.. and how do I explain it to anyone? I can hardly explain it to myself. There was no fight, no disagreement, no hostility - we just decided that since we seem to be lacking in passion - we're really only being friends .... so we should just accept it and call it what it is...

so why do I feel like crying all the time?

**

Does anyone really know what they want?

It seems everyone I speak to is very confused right now - maybe it's the age of most of the people I spend time with ... we're all 20-something and unsure as ever about what we want to do, what we want to be, or who we are ... does this ever get sorted out? Or do we just end up in a place in ten years and figure - alright this is it - this is who I have become and there is no turning back now so this is it... this is me....

Lightbulb!

Watched the Believer two nights ago - it has really stuck with me. The same way The Crow and Donnie Darko did - very powerful feeling. I really loved Summer Phoenix's character and just now a lightbulb went off in my head.

I want to submit.

Sexually - it is my thing - yes sometimes I like to be in control but I really get off on the idea of submission - I need to explore this in my life - it is the only way I am going to feel comfortable in my own skin and perhaps I will really start to understand myself - and get over some of the other issues in my life.

**

Still tired..

I have not caught up on enough sleep - at this point it seems I will have to sleep all weekend just to function normally next week.... but this weekend is the Umbra sale!! I've been looking forward to this since last year - I'm very curious to see how different everything is on the first day of the sale - I expect things will be a little more expensive but there should be much more selection... of course I want to sleep in as late as possible tomorrow and somehow be at the sale as early as possible... *sigh*

The last of our stuff has moved in... again we have a lot of things to organize.. but it's all coming together..

**

so... freaking.. tired...

So the vacation was exhausting - we have most of our stuff in the place - the kitchen and living room are painted and they look amazing - the bathroom is primed and will start to look better soon.

Last night Scott and Greg came over to celebrate our place and Greg's engagement - he's getting married on August 14. Anyway they didn't have to work today so they managed to get Sean and I to stay up until 3am playing asshole and drinking... They were still trying to get us to play around after we were in bed. Needless to say, I am quite tired right now. I would sleep through my lunch hour but I'm reading a really good book and I want to finish it up today - we will see what wins out in the end. The plan is to go home and have a nap with Sean before 24 tonight. I have taught him to make coffee and now I will teach him to nap.

Waking up in a new place is a very interesting feeling - I'm so paranoid about sleeping in and being late for work though... and I have to say that though half of my drive in the morning is the exact same as before - it all looks new to me.

Okay - maybe I will go have a nap after this meeting...

**

No more wallpaper!

We got the keys Wednesday night - we started to rip wallpaper off that night and found that it was a bitch and that around the stove a couple of layers of old paint were coming off as well....

Yesterday we got ALL the wallpaper off (it's in piles on the floor still because we had no garbage bags) using a steamer and I have to say I am really proud of us.

Next step is to fill holes and plaster that part by the stove to its back to the same level as the other paint - then we get to sand, clean, prime then... paint!!

This vacation I'm about to start will be more work than I usually do...

**

Keyness!!

We are getting the keys tonight!

**